Preamble: Do I feel this way everyday? No, not everyday. Many days though. I wrote this on the 2nd of January 2017. At the time I was hurting – a lot. So why am I posting this now? Because these feelings were real. I think this captures a feeling that I find myself falling into from time to time.
I was recently told “Things will be okay.” For who? For you or for me?
How do you know? If your speaking for you, then the thing to say is “I am okay. I’m doing great. Things for me will be good.” If you want to know how I’m doing – there’s only one way to find out – ask. Unless you don’t really want to know or to hear the answer. Some days are better than others. But “things will be okay?” That depends which side of the window you’re looking through. Here’s what I know: I gave up so much – lost and I’m left empty handed, hurt and lonely. So pardon me if I don’t share the same feeling. No, things are good for you.
So for now, I give you the depreciated me.
Old things can’t be new again. They can be restored, refurbished, repainted and repaired. But they can’t be new again. Even when a starfish loses a limb and grows a new one back – it’s not the same one. It’s changed. It’s different.
A Bondo heart. Looks good from a distance, but up close you can see it a mile away.
Life is expensive and short. We all have one go-round. How you take care of it and who you let take the wheel make all the difference. As the old saying goes “when you drive it off the lot….” the value is changed. It’s now depreciated.
That’s how I feel. Depreciated.
The Puppy and the Car
A person is excited to find the right puppy. One that’s even better than they dreamed about. They love the puppy. The puppy is young and all it knows how to do is to love – unconditionally. You care about your new best friend. You take care of it. You love it. As the puppy grows and the longer the person has the puppy, they get tired of the attention the puppy needs. Pretty soon, the once loved puppy becomes the old “damn dog…” and becomes an after thought.
The person doesn’t intend on being cruel. In fact at times, they want to play with the dog. Love on the dog. Give the dog a treat from time to time. But life goes on and after awhile the dog becomes unwanted. It’s more of a hassle now and has lost what enjoyment it once brought. The newness has worn off. They think maybe the dog would be happier running around somewhere new. Then one day while out with friends they find it – a new puppy. No, they weren’t looking but the excitement and those magical first feelings are back again.
But there in lies the problem – What about the existing dog? You see the dog doesn’t know anything but love and wants to please the owner. Yet the owner has moved on. The dog is depreciated. The value is gone.
The same story could be told simply by replacing the puppy with a new car. You love it, wash it all the time, baby it. Then it gets a ding. Then a scratch. It’s still a good car and will continue to be as long as you do your part to take care of it. When you stop caring about “that old POS car” it will fall apart. It’s days are numbered.
There will come a day when it might have trouble starting. You’ll say your prayers while turning the key “Come on baby…. start for me….” and when it does, you’re happy with it for awhile. But one day it won’t start. Then you try to sell it and learn what depreciation really is – because you haven’t taken care of it. You stopped putting value, effort, time and energy into it and the car has nothing left to give. It’s been devalued. Depreciated.
Depreciation takes its toll…. I can feel it affecting me physically….
I can feel it in the way I walk. My posture. The way I look at the world. The way the world looks back at me. When your back hurts and you reach over your shoulder and grab that big muscle on your back – I carry things there. Guilt. Depression. Inadequacies. Self-doubt. Anger. Frustration. It’s like having two cinder blocks strapped to my back at all times. Pushing me down. Weighing me down.
I ask myself on repeat “What’s wrong with me?” “What more can I do?” What value was placed on me? Have I been cashed out and traded in for a newer, more exciting ride? Rented and returned? I really struggle with this. Trying to make sense of things. What am I worth?
Often times people don’t know what they have or understand the value of what’s in front of them. I’ve been guilty of this myself. Those people and things, once valued, will continue to be replaced over and over again in fruitless attempts to fill an empty void. The void inside of them. Why? Because they don’t value themselves. So if they don’t value their self, then maybe someone or something else can supply that feeling. And it may work… for awhile… but when it doesn’t give that quick fix any more, they move on to the next.
Is that what I’ve done? Is that what all people do? I don’t think that makes us bad people, but broken. Two broken cars won’t win any race but they can, and often do, cause a lot of collateral damage. At some point we will all get that checkered flag and our race will end.
So what is the answer? For me, I’m not sure yet. People are very quick to spout off what you’re doing wrong, where you’ve miss stepped. I’ve heard it all too. Things I should try or do: Religion, Las Vegas, a new pet, why not trying “just to get over it” (a personal favorite). I think the answer is personal and specific to you. What works for one may not work for all. It’s a journey. But today this is how I feel and where I’m at. I write. I get angry. I hurt. I feel disappointed. I feel… everything and nothing.
Value. Worth. The depreciated me.